Bad Reviewing

This is a beautiful example of an incredibly inane review (not from MusicWeb, of course) that should speak for itself. Alas, I've annotated it anyway. Lot's of mistakes I am prone to, too... but public mocking tends to help in always trying for better future reviewing myself:

This is a quite [quite. not entirely, but quite. just to make sure i don't say anything that could be misconstrued as definitive or absolute] wonderful disc, in which every demand one might [might. not does. because you could have such demands. or maybe not. but it adds another substance-less word to this review, which helps me pretend there is substance] have on a performance of these two great works is met, and then there are plenty [plenty. a few. a couple. some. not loads. few enough for you not to be able to hold me to not finding any or finding loads.] of delightful surprises for even the most jaded listener too.

Though the chamber forces are smaller than they ever were for these works until 30 years ago [shocking! the meticulous research thus hinted at!], the sound is often [often, mind you. not always. not even 'generally'. it isn't just "is", it's just "often"] generously rich, and the big moments [you know... the "big" moments. YOU know what they are. To you...] are shattering – the climax of the storm in the Pastoral, brief though it is, had me running for cover [a picturesque description for a picturesque symphony. almost endearing in its inspired vagueness], yet [yes, I really was too bold with that last statement. Let's pseudo-modify it with "yet"] didn’t at all seem out of scale with the rest of the work.

The warmth and tenderness and ease which are the predominant features of the Pastoral have rarely been more affectionately attended to than by Paavo Järvi, balanced by the peasants’ merrymaking and its rude dispersal.

The Second, which can be hard to bring off, is ebullient, high-spirited without being exhausting, and with an idyllically smooth slow movement at its heart. The German Chamber Philharmonic Bremen is a versatile orchestra, able to meet the demands of its conductor. [That last bit must be the most meaningless sentence printed about an orchestra's performance since... well, probably since the chap's last review. Wow. They "are able to meet the demands of the conductor". As in: I really should be saying something about the execution... like, the orchestra. I've only listened to it once... it seemed "perfectly OK"... but I don't want to commit to saying anything about them... maybe they're not that good. I've never heard of them. Let's use one of my tautologous clichés.]